FanPost

Jeff Pearlman should quit his day job.

His most recent column is a messy piece of junk. He's trying to be clever, He's not. And he really doesn't seem to know Neal's track record in PIttsburgh. When I got done reading this column, I thought about this video.

At his introductory news conference Hurdle coveys all the optimism of ... John Russell. And Jim Tracy. And Lloyd McClendon. And Gene Lamont. And every other fool delusional enough to have previously accepted the gig.

Hmmm...why does he stop with Lamont? Could it be that he didn't want to mention Jim Leyland who managed the Pirates to the 90-92 NLCS. And he didn't mention Chuck Tanner who managed the Pirates to a World Series win. Or Danny Murtaugh who managed the Pirates to two World Series wins. Or Bill Virdon who managed the Pirates to the playoffs. He forgot Billy Meyer!

The organization hires Joan Herz, long-suffering Pirate fan/certified sign language interpreter, to convey Hurdle's words to the deaf. Her translation: "I had no other offers. This job pays more than being a hitting coach. I've always dreamed of working with Lastings Milledge. If we win 70 games next season I'll be deemed a genius. Does anyone have some Skittles?"

"I had no other offers." Um, what? Mr. Pearlman must have missed that part where the Mets were asking for a second interview with him and he turned it down to be the Pirates manager. Great job by Pearlman, change the history of stuff that happened last week in order to make a lame joke.

The Pirates hold a press conference to introduce Travis Lee. Though Lee hasn't picked up a bat since attending spring training with the Washington Nationals in 2007, Huntington insists the tide is turning. "Travis Lee is a proven middle-of-the-lineup presence," he says. "If you guys loved Randall Simon at first base, wait until you get a load of this guy!"

Making their second free-agent splash in three days, the Pirates agree to a two-year, $6 million deal with catcher Matt Treanor and a five-year, $18 million deal with infielder Melvin Mora. "We're not done dealing," Huntington says, "until we get a top-of-the-rotation arm."

What? Does Jeff Pearlman even know the difference between Neal Huntington and Dave Littlefield? Really? Does he? I mean, when has Neal thrown money away on crappy veterans like Mora, Treanor and Lee? When? He hasn't! Oh yeah, I forgot the millions upon millions the Pirates gave to Doug Mintcabbage and Eric Hinske. Or more like $2.25 million for the two of them combined.

Calling it "an historic offseason for this franchise and this city," Huntington proudly introduces pitchers Freddy Garcia and Sergio Mitre to the media. "Behind these two horses," he tells the three assembled reporters, "we'll definitely throw the ball every day."

 

Garcia uses the occasion to announce his retirement.

Get it? The Pirates are a joke and their GM always overpays for crappy veterans! Unlike Brian Sabean...

The Pirates sign Baron Eduard Oleg Aleksandrovich, the most famous athlete in Liechtenstein history, to a four-year contract. "He's raw," Huntington says, "but the potential is limitless." Only later do the Pirates learn Aleksandrovich died 43 years ago.

Hahahaha! Did you get it yet? The Pirates are a bunch of incompetent boobs. The same guys have run things in Pittsburgh since like 1993! Probably, it's too much work to look this crap up!

Having kicked off the season with six straight road losses, the Pirates draw 32,000 fans to their home opener with Jermaine Allensworth Bobblehead Doll Night. They lose, 20-2.

Bobblehead Doll Night? Um, take a look at the schedule, the home opener is at 1:35 in the afternoon. Swing and a miss.

All 32,000 Jermaine Allensworth Bobblehead Dolls are recalled after the Post-Gazette reports that they were made from Chinese toxic dry wall components. Huntington apologizes and announces that the May 10 game against the Dodgers will be free. "All fans are welcomed," he said. "We can't wait to see you!"

 

7,321 spectators storm PNC Park. The Pirates lose, 14-3. It is the second largest crowd of the season.

See? The Pirates don't have any fans! Actually, looking at the paid attendance over the years, the Pirates haven't had that low of a paid attendance since September 8, 1998. Yeah, 12 seasons ago, at Three Rivers Stadium...

With the Pirates 52 games out of first place, Huntington trades Jose Tabata, the 22-year-old outfielder, to the Mets for pitchers John Maine, Sean Green and a six-pack of Cherry Coke Zero. Questioned as to why he'd make such a move, Huntington replied, "We project Jose to be a star one day. And I love Cherry Coke Zero."

He's one of the few columnist out there who actually thinks Jose is 22 years old? I'll give him some credit there. But the rest of this paragraph is crap.

Huntington is granted an extended leave of absence. No explanation is given.

We could only wish the same for Jeff Pearlman.

The Kansas City Royals ask permission to speak to Hurdle about their open bullpen catcher position. He accepts the job before an offer is extended. "I loved managing in Pittsburgh," he says. "But the opportunity to work alongside Trey Hillman doesn't come along every day."

 

Informed the Royals are actually managed by Ned Yost, Hurdle grimaces. "Dude," he says, "just get me the hell out of here."

So there's the joke, the Pirates manager job sucks and nobody wants to manage them, especially Clint Hurdle after this next season. Jeff Pearlman has clearly been able to pull off the hard task of getting paid to be an internet troll.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of the managing editor (Charlie) or SB Nation. FanPosts are written by Bucs Dugout readers.

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