April 11, 2010

PHOENIX, Ariz. (AP)

It was the sixth time the Pirates have been no-hit this season, but represented some improvement in that it was the first time they held an opponent to double digits in runs.

"I just haven't been able to focus on my job for two months," said center fielder Andrew McCutchen, whose batting average fell to .011 with another 0-for-4 day. "Every time I go up to the plate, I start thinking about how cool it would be if Mario were signing my paychecks. I mean, the man was a superstar! One of the greats! His autograph on the check would be worth more than the check itself, so I wouldn't cash a single one. How cool would that be? It's just been tough to think of anything else. That's what happened on those eight fly balls I dropped too."

Starting pitcher Ross Ohlendorf gave up 36 runs in 1 2/3 innings but actually saw his ERA come down.

"It's tough," Ohlendorf said. "Ever since the Brangelina breakup I just feel my mind wandering out there on the mound. I keep worrying about all their children. Whose nanny is watching them tonight? Are their material needs being met? And what about Jen? Will she make a move on Brad again? How am I supposed to work ..."

"Hey!" right fielder Garrett Jones (.014) shouted from across the clubhouse. "Anybody see what Tiger shot in the last round of the Masters today? Huh? 61!?! Man, I don't know how that dude does it with all the, y'know, distracions he's got going on. He's like the ... the Yankees of golf or something."

Asked about his team's state of  mind and when it might score a run this year, manager John Russell said, "Hmmmm? What? Oh, sorry, I SQUIRREL! ... was a little distracted there. What was the question?"