Carnac-ing the Pirates

Hi all. We're getting into the dregs of another horrible season. So to break up the monotony I'm going to share with you a skill I have: I can predict things. And I can also rip off gimmicks from TV shows that have been off the air for almost 20 years, but I digress.

I have in front of me a series of envelopes with Pirates related questions or statements written on them. They have been hermetically sealed and kept in with John Russell's 5 Hour Energy supply, so you know they haven't been touched in years. I will "divine" the answers from each envelope before ever even seeing the questions. Helping me will be the always helpful ghost of Ed McMahon. Let's get this started, first envelope please Ed

*Puts envelope to forehead*

Breaking Bad

*Rips open envelope*

Describe Lastings Milledge's defense

Ed: Hey-o!

May your sister meet Pokey Reese while she's ovulating

Ed: Haw, haw!

May you be subjected to a John Russell stand-up comedy performance

*Puts next envelope to forehead*

2+2=5, TV's Bobby Hill, Andrew McCutchen's shoulder

*Rips open envelope*

Name three things that aren't right

Ed: You are correct sir!

May Bob Smizik become your hair-dresser

*Puts next envelope to forehead*

A bagel shop, Lex, Jose Tabata's ex-wife

*rips open envelope*

Name a Bruegger, a Luger, and a cougar

Nothing this time Ed?

Ed: No, I'm... too drunk

Well may the bluebird of happiness suck for you and then hit 50 home runs for someone else.

Time for the next envelope *Puts next envelope to forehead*

Sharon Stone

*rips open envelope*

What do you call it when Pedro Alvarez and Ryan Doumit swap gloves?

Ed: Hey-o!

I thought you were drunk

Ed: It's just reflex at this point, haw haw!

May Mark Madden corner you to talk about hockey after not showering for 5 days

*Puts next envelope to forehead*

Bowl haircut

*rips open envelope*

What's Andrew Lambo's list of things to do on days he's feeling shaggy?

Ed has passed out, so we'll just speed through these last couple

*Puts next envelope to forehead*

Ron White, Don Rickles in Toy Story, a Charlie Morton pitch

*rips open envelope*

Name three taters

*Puts next envelope to forehead*

Nathan Adcock

*rips open envelope*

What does Nathan Lane hear every night in his bedroom?

Aaaand on that note Ed has awoken, gotten offended, and flown back up to heaven, and we're also out of envelopes.

PS, this is what happens when you have a job where you don't have enough to do