More Frank Coonelly Outrage

Are you as outraged as the Pittsburgh sports media and I are about the recent interview Frank Coonelly gave with pirateprospects.com? Why last night on the KDKA sports show Paul Zeise nearly had an stroke he was so mad at Frank Coonelly's comments. And who better to comment on a baseball team than a college football beat writer who was twice in a month behind everyone on his own team's coaching search? No one that's who. You should be outraged too, but I can't believe people are only talking about one part of the interview when Frank said outrageous things throughout. Using patent pending "Context Removing Technology" you can see that Frank Coonelly knows nothing about anything

Kevin Creagh: For our readers that may not be familiar, can you explain your day-to-day responsibilities as President?

 

Frank Coonelly: Great question, and one that I am asked often. I am responsible for getting the right people in the positions of leadership

Here he admits to not wanting to lead the team, and that he hires other people to do it for him. What's wrong Frank? Are you and Bob Nutting too busy lighting puppies on fire with thousand dollar bills?

Kevin: How often are the Pirates approached by someone or some entity in becoming a minority partner?

 

Frank: It happens a fair amount but our current partners are committed to seeing this team return to the glory that we once enjoyed.

Glory!? He used to word "glory" to describe the Pirates?! Is he not aware that the Pirates are in fact a bad team, and have been for the entire 18 years he and Bob Nutting have been in charge? He is forbidden from using the word "glory" and is banned from renting any movie with Glory in the title. It's a huge blow since Frank's a huge Matthew Broderick fan, but only movies where Broderick has facial hair.

Kevin: Please explain the process that occurs when Neal Huntington wants to add a player in a trade, the draft, or during the international signing period that may cause those respective budgets to be exceeded.

 

Frank: The first thing that is done is to set....... our Major League payroll budget........ at levels that we believe ....... will..... make...... Bob Nutting....... investments. (H)e will approve.

Holy crap! While the sentence structure seems odd, most likely because he had just finished smoking crack with Neo-Nazis, here Coonelly admits that Bob Nutting uses the Pirates to make other investments! I'll get the SEC on the phone immediately. Nick Saban will surely make them pay for their financial misdeeds

Kevin: Conversely, explain the process and conversation that occurs when Neal wants to trade a fan favorite player, such as McLouth or Bay.

 

Frank: A very similar process takes place here.  We trust Neal’s judgment ........when making .......a decision...... that will..........not be popular.

The Pirates front office hates the fans!

Kevin: Dan Fox and the rest of the statistical staff have developed their own in-house, propriatary defensive rating systems.  How do those results compare to the "off-the-shelf" defensive metrics such as Ultimate Zone Rating and Total Zone?

 

Frank: The answer to that question ...... a (poor) attempt at....... analysis

Here Frank admits to using only the worst methods at analyzing a player's defensive ability.

Kevin: Is the compensation system broken when a team like the Tampa Bay Rays gets 11 picks in the first 75 selections of the 2011 draft, while the Pirates get 1?

 

Frank: We need to reduce the ........selections so that...... it is difficult for the draft to serve its purpose.

This is really something; here Mr. Coonelly calls for a reduction of the draft so that the Pirates have no way of possibly getting any good players, most likely so they don't have to pay anyone above a minor league contract. Does his evil know no bounds?

Kevin: Would the Pirates be able to afford a $70M to $80M payroll, in present-day worth, if this current group of players were competitive enough to merit additional outside free agents?

 

Frank: Today, no but we will be able to support that payroll very soon if our fans believe that we now have a group of players in Pittsburgh and on its way here in the near future that is competitive.  We need to take a meaningful step forward in terms of attendance to reach that payroll number while continuing to invest heavily in our future but I am convinced that the attendance will move quickly once we convince our fans that we are on the right track.

Hmm, I can't see anyone having a problem with this. I mean it's only common sense.

Kevin: Without discussing any specific players, how much of a player do you need to see before you consider offering them a long term extension?

 

Frank: Great question and not an easy one. 

Oh really? Well Mr. Too Cheap To Extend Anyone, as any good fan knows you should sign anyone who's ever had a good season. And they should be signed for double the money they're asking for, just because the thought of Bob Nutting actually making money makes Roberto Clemente's ghost vomit.

Kevin: Would you like to highlight the work being done by a front office member that the public may not be as familiar with? (Not NH, Kyle Stark, or Greg Smith)

 

Frank: As your question correctly suggests, that means that .....  we are trying to ....... generate the revenues ..... in a safe environment

Ooooooohhhhh that sentence just burns me up!!!!!!! It doesn't even answer the question! They just love to brag about spending OUR money on gold monkeys and exotic socks.

Kevin: Would you care to share how you relax and spend your free time?

 

Frank: Sure, I do....... (inexplicably bad)...... things outdoors. 

My guess: Baby grilling. Live or dead it doesn't matter, but he does enjoy the mews the live ones make when you flip them over.

Dark? Maybe, but also allegedly maybe true in a non-libelous way.Thank you 1st amendment!

Now maybe you’ll be able to feel the outrage I do.