After watching every pitch of last night's game, I said to myself for the first time in my 28 years of being a Pirates Fan, "I just dont know if I can do this anymore."

Primarily because of Hurdle, who last night not only continued to trot sub-.200 Barajas out there, but also yanked Wandy when the whole world knew it was the wrong move, and then to top it off, needlessaly pinch-ran for GI Jones with Chase, only to have Chase bat with the bases loaded and no outs in the 14th instead of Jones (PirateFan could see that coming from a million miles away, obviously).

Hurdle's inexcusable in-game management has broken me. Of course the real problem is that at the plate, where virtually every player on the team has let the pressure of a pennent race overwhelm them, as almost to a man they have crumbled as the stakes have been raised. Classic choke-job regardless of if "they were not as good as their record showed".

Last night I wanted to quit. It didnt - and still for the most part doesnt - seem like its worth it. But that's the problem with being a true addict - whether your addiction is beer, cigs, meth, porn or The Pirates - it's virtually impossible to quit, no matter how much it "ruins" your life. I cant stop chasing that high, no matter how deep the lows are.

Sutton's Walk-Off...Resop closing out the Reds in Cincy in May after TheFort and Barmes showed that Chapman was human....all those monster bombs from Cutch and Pedro and GIJones into the night against the backdrop of Greg Brown going crazy.....the 19-inning win at St. louis that seems SO long ago now.

Of course I regert waking up my kids when they blew the bases loaded-no out chance last night, and of course I'm dead tired at work, and of course I hate that soul-crushing feeling of utter sadness and bitterness almost every time they lose.

But I'm full-blown addicted. And there's no 12-Step program that is gonna save me. Not even Hurdle continuing to start Barajas for the sole reason that he backed himself into a corner with his 'loyalty', and by switching now it would make him look even dumber for not doing it earlier.

Hi my name is Matt and I'm a Pirate'holic.