Rick Scuteri-US PRESSWIRE
Man, so hey, I can't believe the Brad Hawpe signing! Just look at his numbers! He didn't hit at all for the Padres in 2011! And he didn't even play in the majors in 2012! He plays defense like a wounded emu! And I have no idea how the Pirates are going to fit Andrew McCutchen and Starling Marte and Travis Snider and Jose Tabata and Gaby Sanchez and Jerry Sands and Garrett Jones and Brad Hawpe on their roster! I mean, do you want Brad Hawpe playing instead of Starling Marte? I don't!!!
It's like the Pirates just keep acquiring guys like Ali Solis and Chad Beck and Lucas May and Mike Zagurski and Jared Goedert and Felix Pie. All those players stink, and yet the Pirates apparently think they're better than Kyle Lohse, who's still on the market. It's like, who would you rather have, Jared Goedert or the guy who went 16-3 for the Cardinals last year? Maybe I'm crazy, but I'll take the guy who went 16-3, thank you very much! Neal Huntington apparently thinks Mike Zagurski is better than Rafael Soriano. He's running this team into the ground!
You know what's weird, though? I just stumbled into Baseball America's minor-league transactions page while trying to figure out who Mike Zagurski was. I didn't really know what "minor-league transactions" meant, but it looks like every team is run by idiots! For example, the Tigers just signed a guy named Michael Hernandez out of the Atlantic League. This is someone who played in York last summer! I mean, hello! I mean, have you ever been to a Washington Wild Things game? I haven't! But I bet it's like that, but with Amish people!
Or how about this one -- the Giants signed Scott Proctor out of Korea! Scott Proctor! Scott Proctor.
Or how about this! The Nationals signed Ross Ohlendorf. I mean, hello? Ross Ohlendorf? 1-11 Ross Ohlendorf? 7.77-ERA-last-year Ross Ohlendorf? This can't be the same guy, can it? Of course the Nats also signed Brian Bocock, who isn't good for anything except maybe a funny scoreboard graphic on their upcoming "70s Porn Night" promotion, so who knows!!!
Or how about the A's, who recently signed Brian Gordon out of Korea, or the Phillies, who signed Edgar Garcia out of independent-league El Paso? Or the Diamondbacks, who signed Brad Allen out of the Frontier League? Or the Jays, who signed Tony Davis out of Quebec in something called "Can-Am"? What are these teams thinking? How will they ever fit these guys on their rosters?
I mean, what the heck, people! If you put me in charge of one of these teams, I know what I wouldn't do. I wouldn't sign Brad Hawpe, and I definitely wouldn't sign all these players out of Dubuque or Armadillo or Fort Knox or Koreadelphia or Tasmania or what have you! I'd be all like, Kyle Lohse, come play for me! We have roster spots for 16-3 pitchers here!
If there are any major league owners reading this, give me a call! I'm smart enough to know that this Brad Hawpe crap is stupid! And my fantasy team finished 3rd last year!