(INTERIOR - A SMOKE FILLED ROOM. THE ROOM IS VERY CLASSY-LOOKING. IT IS FULL OF MEN SMOKING CIGARS. THEY ARE WRAPPED IN BANDAGES AND/OR ARE WEARING CASTS ON VARIOUS BODY PARTS.)
(FRANSISCO LIRIANO ENTERS THE ROOM AND IS GREETED BY WADE BOGGS)
WADE BOGGS – Francisco! You found us! Welcome! Come on in.
FRANCISCO LIRIANO – (IN SPANISH) Thank you. So why did you call me here?
WADE – Sorry, I don’t speak German. American it up there a little bit.
FRANCISCO – (IN ACCENTED ENGLISH) Okay. Why did you guys call me here?
WADE – We want to see if you’re worthy of joining “The Club.”
FRANCISCO – Club? What club?
WADE – It’s a very exclusive club, my boy. It takes only the most stupid and random injuries to make it into this club.
FRANCISCO – (DISAPPOINTED) Oh.
WADE - I got in by injuring my ribs putting on these very cowboy boots I’m wearing right now. They've been a problem ever since. I actually haven’t been able to take them off since 1997. I played with them on my entire time in Tampa. Luckily no one was watching so it went unnoticed. Let me show you around the place.
(WADE TAKES LIRIANO OVER TO A HUGE SPREAD.)
LIRIANO - Hey this looks pretty good. What is it?
WADE – The finest selection of deer meat a man can shoot with an AK-47. It was provided by club member Clint Barmes.
CLINT BARMES – (WALKS BY WEARING A NECKBRACE) And you better appreciate it, it was tough to get it in here (WALKS AWAY).
WADE – (TO LIRIANO) He’s your teammate now, by the way.
FRANCISCO – (TO HIMSELF IN SPANISH) Ah, crap.
(WADE AND FRANCICSO WALK OVER TO GLENALLEN HILL)
WADE – This is our resident sleep expert, Glenallen. He once injured himself because he had a bad dream about spiders (STARTS TO LAUGH DERISIVELY).
GLENALLEN HILL – (IRRITATED) Hey, what’s more embarrassing, being afraid of fake spiders or being a fake cowboy?
WADE – (SARCASTICALLY) Ah, hah. Good one, Glenallen. Is it true you’re name’s Glenallen because your mother didn’t know which guy the father was?
GLENALLEN – That’s it, Boggs! (GOES TO ATTACK BOGGS)
WADE – Hey, is that a black widow on your shoulder?!
(GLENALLEN STARTS SWATTING AT HIS SHOULDER WHILE SCREAMING AND SPINNING AROUND UNTIL HE CRASHES THROUGH A PANE OF GLASS BEING CARRIED BY HUNTER PENCE AND DAVID WELLS. THE BROKEN GLASS CUTS BOTH THEIR HANDS)
WADE – Great, now we’ll never get that window fixed. (PAUSE) Anyway ...
(WADE TAKES FRANCISCO OVER TO A MAN IN A TOTAL BODY CAST)
FRANCISCO – Holy hell, what happened to this guy?
SAMMY SOSA – Well, I’ve had a cold lately.
FRANCISCO – Oooooh.
(JOHN SMOLTZ WALKS OVER)
JOHN SMOLTZ – Oh hey Wade, is this Francisco Liriano?
WADE – Yeah.
JOHN – Nice to meet you. (SHAKES HANDS WITH LIRIANO) Hope we’re able to make you a member (STARTS TO WALK AWAY).
FRANCISCO – (TO WADE) So why’s he a member? He seems fine.
FRANCISCO – Never mind.
(LIRIANO SUDDENLY STARTS SNIFFING THE AIR.)
FRANCISCO - What smells like Tommy Lasorda's jock strap?
FRANCISCO - Ewww.
WADE – We’ll begin the ceremony pretty soon. We’re just waiting for a few more of our members to show up.
(WADE YELLS TO JOEL ZUMAYA.)
WADE – Hey Joel! How many more are we waiting for?
JOEL ZUMUYA – (HOLDING UP BOTH HANDS WHICH ARE WRAPPED IN BANDAGES) Two more!
WADE – Who?
JOEL – We’re waiting on Jeff Kent and Ron Gant. They’re riding here on their motorcycles
WADE – (PAUSE) Well, we probably shouldn’t be waiting around for them. Let’s get things started. (YELLING OUT TO THE CROWD) Okay everyone, it’s time!
(ALL IN ATTENDANCE GATHER AROUND.)
WADE – Gentlemen, this is Francisco Liriano. You may have played against him. And if recent history is any indication you’ve probably had some success against him.
FRANCISCO – Hey!
WADE – (IGNORING FRANCISCO) He recently almost had a contract voided because he mysteriously broke his right arm. Once we found out exactly how he did it, if the reason is screwy enough he will become a member of the club. This includes all the perks being a member entails. You get access to the clubhouse, which includes a Jacuzzi ...
KERRY WOOD – (TORSO WRAPPED IN BANDAGES) Careful with that one.
WADE - … a state of the art video game system ...
JOEL – (HOLDING UP BANDAGED HANDS AGAIN) Careful with that one.
WADE - … tanning bed ...
MARTY CORDOVA – (WITH SKIN COLOR OF JOHN BOEHNER) Careful with that one.
WADE - …and a wide selection of booze.
EVERY MEMBER OVER 60 – (ALL TOGETHER) Careful with that one.
WADE – (TO EVERYONE) Shut up! (TO LIRIANO) Anyway. You’ll also get this lovely jacket (HOLDS UP A NICE-LOOKING NAVY BLUE JACKET).
GEOFF BLUM – (WEARING JACKET, ELBOW WRAPPED) It’s a tough one to put on, though.
WADE – (SIGHS) All this and more are the perks of membership. So let’s hear it. How did you break your arm?
FRANCISCO – (DARTING EYES) I, um, fell in my bathroom.
WADE – (BLINKING) That’s it?
FRANCISCO – Yeah, that’s it.
WADE – (KNOWINGLY) Francisco ...
FRANCISCO – Okay okay. (HESITANTLY) I was tipping horses and one kicked me in the arm.
WADE – You know it’s supposed to be cow-tipping right?
FRANCISCO – (PAUSE) (ANGRILY) Son of a ...
WADE – (INTERRUPTING) Well, the good news is that gives you full membership to the club.
FRANCISCO – (IN SPANISH) Gracias.
WADE – So to honor your membership in the HurtStar Club we will give you our three-foot , 70-pound, star-shaped statute all members receive. Okay guys, give it to him.
(THREE MEMBERS PICK UP THE STATUE AND TOSS IT AT FRANCISCO HITTING HIM IN HIS GOOD ARM. LIRIANO COLLAPSES IN PAIN.)
WADE – We need to rethink the way we do that.