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This Is Just Classic

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Mariners.com:

Most American League teams use the designated hitter position to stick a little more pop in their lineup. David Ortiz of the visiting Boston Red Sox would be a prime example.

But that's not the way the Seattle Mariners approach that part of their team.

"I'm just kind of using it just to try to have some contact in that spot, and maybe be able to move some runners and hit and run and that kind of stuff, get some at-bats for some guys," interim manager Jim Riggleman said. "It's not a classic DH spot where we're looking for our DH to give us 25 to 30 home runs and 100 RBIs, that's just not what we are. So I'm fine with it the way it is."

I just love the writing here: "[T]hat's not the way the Seattle Mariners approach that part of their team."

Right, because when you have a spot in your lineup that can be used for hitting and literally no other purpose, that's where you want to get fancy. Most teams put a good hitter in their DH spot, but the Mariners have really been thinking outside the box on this one. They thought about putting a knuckleballing pitcher in that spot, but that seemed too obvious, so then they thought... Wait, what if our DH isn't even a baseball player? Why get a good hitter when your DH can be a Certified Public Accountant, or a donkey, or a refrigerator?

Well, the Mariners finally decided to offer a three-year contract to a can of WD-40, but it turned out the Players' Union had a problem with that for some reason, so the Mariners settled on Jose Vidro instead. By conventional metrics, Vidro has been one of the worst hitters in baseball this year, but by the Mariners' iconoclastic methods of player evaluation (which are proprietary), he's been fantastic. The M's have already lost 63 games this year--just think how much worse things would have been with a real hitter in the DH spot! 

Thanks to Primer.