clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Pirates Trade Deadline: Prepare For Failure!

Hey everybody, I've got this serious wilderness retreat thing coming up this weekend - I'm gonna go hiking in the Yukon tundra, follow a pack of wild dogs in search of sustenance, and just generally totally find myself. Either that or I'm going to have some really complicated and unnecessary surgery. I can't remember which. It's definitely one of those. Unless the Battlestar Galactica marathon is this weekend. I forget. Anyway, the point is that I'm not sure whether I'm going to be around on Sunday for the trade deadline. So I think I'll just write this now, for you to keep in mind later. Because I'm pretty sure that when I lead the pack of dogs into the parking lot at the Whitehorse McDonald's to check my email Sunday night, I shall be incensed.

For example!*

#Pirates top 3 targets (via multiple sources): Casey Kotchman, Derrek Lee, Jason Kubel. Uninspiring.

Right! I mean, who wants a player like Kotchman, who's hitting .325/.387/.447 while playing a position from which the Pirates are getting nothing? Not me! If you disagree, then clearly, you do not understand the value of nothing. John Cage's 4'33". Robert Rauschenberg's "White Paintings." Samuel Beckett's Waiting For Godot. Lyle Overbay. All beautiful works of modern art, dude. And the beauty of it is that not even nothing is nothing! With Cage you hear the sound of fluorescent lights and street traffic and coughing. With Overbay you hear the tap of a slow grounder, the swish of a strikeout, the sound of cleats as they trudge back to the dugout. These things are beautiful in themselves. Leave your Romantic expectations about winning baseball games at the door!

Or how about a guy like Kubel, who's hitting .314/.365/.471? Totally boring, particularly when one considers that this man posts seasons of this quality just a little too frequently. Variety is the spice of life! 

No, clearly we must have someone better! Like ... um ... well, somebody! And without trading any top prospects! Obviously, the Pirates have not considered the eminently reasonable option of simply identifying great players whose teams wish to trade them, and then acquiring them for Pedro Ciriaco and Matt Diaz. Idiots!