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Pirates Alumni Lose 2-0 In 'Turn Back The Clock To April 2012' Exhibition

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This post is satire, not the text of an actual conversation. -- Charlie

June 6, 2012

Frank Coonelly: Hello?

Jason Kidik: Frank, it's Jason Kidik, how's it hanging?

Coonelly: Who is this? Isn't anyone screening my calls?

Kidik: I'm the promotions manager for the Cleveland Indians. I got our baseball people to tell Neal to put me through. Apparently there are still some random AAA players in our organization he scouted for us and still wants. Hey, how's Josh Rodriguez working out for you?

Coonelly: Yeah, that's ...

Kidik: Ooh, Jason Michaels?

Coonelly: Look, what can I do for you?

Kidik: I have a last-minute promotional idea for our series here in Cleveland next week. We're going to have a throwback night.

Coonelly: Okay, cool. Actually, we've got some Crawford Grays unis ready for this series against the Royals. I don't think anyone would really notice if we used them twice.

Kidik: Not quite what I'm thinking. We're doing a throwback to April 2012.

Coonelly: Uh ...

Kidik: Wait, wait, hear me out. We're having our uniform guy make these rare black alternate tops for you, the kind you used back then. And we found a lot of your former players. These guys have lived a lot in the past two months. Casey McGehee has turned out to be one of the Milwaukee area's most effective used-car salesmen, as you know. One of your former relievers went bankrupt when he tried to open a "Jason's Bar And Grilli" franchise in every city he played in. Rod Barajas used to work as a bouncer in one of them, actually, but he got fired because he couldn't throw anybody out. Let's see, uh ... Juan Cruz, you wouldn't believe how old that dude looks now. And Andrew McCutchen, of course, is about to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. But they're all willing to come back and do a retro game for us next Friday.

Coonelly: Well ... honestly, I'm not sure our fans have a lot of nostalgia for that time period.

Kidik: Are you kidding, Frank? The April 2012 offense was historic. Historic! How many times did commentators use that word to describe it? The fans all want to see something historic. I grant that it might not be the prettiest baseball game, but you've got to give the people what they want. We're going to throw Justin Masterson out there, and he's going to throw a bunch of good-looking sinkers and sliders, but that's not important. What matters is that your guys really, really struggle with them, and never cash in when they get on base. And strike out a trillion times, of course. But look, it's not all bad for you guys. We found this dude James McDonald ...

Coonelly: Wait, you found JMac?

Kidik: Yeah, we had to scout a ton of fishing holes, but we finally got him. And here's the thing: he still looks pretty good out there. Pure vintage April 2012, actually. Or, well, May 2012, although I don't think the fans will notice. It's still retro. We're thinking he can put up six innings, maybe five strikeouts, one earned run.

Coonelly: Still, I don't really like our chances.

Kidik: Look, this is a part of history, and really, what else are you going to sell your fans? Imagine the montages ROOT Sports should be able to put together -- that "We Are Young" song that was so big in April 2012, set to footage of Jose Tabata and Clint Barmes striking out righteously, again and again and again! And you can bring Lacee Collins back for the day! Plus, you can auction off the jerseys after the game.

Coonelly: Alright, we're in. Send the particulars to my secretary.