Pirates defeat A.J. Burnett, 4-1. Let's pretend this matters

The Pirates defeated A.J. Burnett and the Phillies 4-1 on Sunday. Take that, Burnett! STFD! Etc.

Obviously, to call this meaningless would be an understatement, but let's pretend for a second that this happened in April and was in any way predictive of anything whatsoever. Ready? To the unreality machine!

[UNREALITY SEQUENCE BEGINS]

Hey, how about that! The Pirates have a .750 winning percentage, pitchers Stolmy Pimentel and Adam Wilk (two scoreless innings apiece!) are battling one another for the Cy Young award, and I hope those SportsCenter anchors got the memo about how to pronounce "Jaff"! I look forward to a season filled with no-doubt Josh Harrison home runs, dominant Joely Rodriguez performances, and A.J. Burnett never winning another game ever. Oh, and I'm not sure what's happened, but suddenly the weather in Pittsburgh is beautiful! Wait, suddenly I'm starting to feel a bit dizzy ...

[UNREALITY SEQUENCE ENDS]

Wait, where am I? I can't remember anything that happened in the past four minutes. All I know is that my car is covered with snow, my garbage disposal is leaking, and I have to go to work tomorrow. Oh, and there was a spring training game today. Whatever.